I had a friend, let’s call her Tricia. She and I loved to hang out together, always giggling like school girls with our other friends. Her personality was very strong and my quiet nature complemented it. We were two peas in a pod. Well, the more appropriate image would be a little girl and her wagon. Wherever she went, she’d drag me behind her. I was a satisfied follower.
The Life Lesson Begins
One of our many Friday night outs together, she asked me where I wanted to go. Again, I answered, “Up to you.” This time around, she pressed on, “C’mon, you must have something in mind.” I shrugged my shoulders and said, “Whatever you want.” For the first time in our months-old friendship, she became exasperated. “You can’t just always say Whatever and Wherever,” she scolded. “Make a decision. Assert yourself. Do something about it.”
Her reprimand shocked me. It dampened my spirits that evening. I had always thought that my being agreeable was a good quality. I didn’t realize that I was turning into a doormat because of it. I thought back to similar situations and realized that I did usually just go with the flow. But there’s nothing wrong with conforming, I thought. I did get hit with the truth though that whenever my opinion was asked, I’d just go “Whatever you guys want.” It never really bothered me.
But her observation on my passiveness did. I wanted to be assertive. Anyone would’ve said I wasn’t though. Perhaps by hanging out with Tricia, I thought I was assertive by association. Needless to say, that evening changed me.
Making a Choice, Finding my Voice
So I began sharing my thoughts more often. When people would ask for my opinion, I’d resist shrugging my shoulders. I’d think about the question carefully and then speak out. It happened with the little things first — helping the group decide where to eat, choosing a better lipstick color by myself instead of relying on my friends’ opinions. Then it cascaded to bigger things — becoming more confident with decisions at work, standing by my strategic recommendations. I continued to seek the advice of peers and colleagues, but always, always made a choice.
Knowing I always had a choice made me believe in myself more. I recognized in me a strength I knew I had but never fully harnessed. My family, friends and co-workers encouraged me to share my voice more. Some of them were happy I was finally coming out of my shell.
The Complications
But as my voice became more assured, the same group of friends began spouting out negatives at me. It really hurt. They began ignoring me, mostly because I wasn’t their yes-man anymore. It pained me to make a choice about the situation too. I decided to cut myself off from their negativity and crab mentality. I missed their company in the beginning, but realized later on it wasn’t really friendship if they couldn’t support a companion’s growth.
This included Tricia. She celebrated my emotional triumph at first, but later became miffed whenever I’d share my opinions, which surprisingly clashed with hers often. We had to reach compromises now. Gone was the one-way street of before. She got irritated when I shared my plans instead of just listening to hers. I succumbed to my old ways of being a yes-man for awhile, but the dynamic was different now. It felt wrong. I felt I was cheating myself. And it hurt that she wouldn’t listen after she helped me find my voice. We gradually stopped hanging out. She then would just call me whenever she’d need something. Sometimes I was still the wagon, trailing behind her. But more often I stuck to my own course.
I made the choice to cut off the friendship a few years later. It was beginning to get toxic. I was tired of being cut off when I’d share my thoughts, then berated when I wouldn’t. If it were the old me, I would have stayed to save the friendship. But the question nagged in my head again. Is it really friendship if you stifle the other’s growth?
Choices Made
We may have chosen to take different paths a long time ago, but that evening of a reprimand from Tricia is still crystal clear in my mind. I can hear her saying, “You can’t just always say Whatever and Whenever. Make a choice…” I made a choice to listen to her advice. I made a choice to do something about it. I made a choice to stop being the wagon. I made a choice to start making choices. Our friendship may not have lasted, but I did get one of the best life lessons from her. So thanks Trish, wherever you are. Thanks for making me believe in myself more, simply by making a choice.
October 22nd, 2008 at 9:29 am
Hi Toni. This article made my day.
I am also in the same boat as you did before (or sometimes still is from time to time). I have learned to voice out my opinion; sometime with some not so good results. Some of them were not popular or contrary to what others feel. We are afraid to be rejected by our own peers; so we have this stance that we don’t “contradict” what they say; a very Filipino trait. But this limits our capability to make decisions for our own.
It is better to opine - at least they get another point of view and be open to hear from others. This makes us a better person.
October 5th, 2008 at 10:06 am
[...] presents You always have a choice posted at Happy Nest, saying, “Making choices, no matter how simple or grand the situation [...]
October 5th, 2008 at 9:36 am
[...] presents You always have a choice posted at Happy Nest, saying, “Making choices, no matter how simple or grand the situation [...]
September 18th, 2008 at 8:26 am
[...] presents You always have a choice posted at Happy Nest. Toni tells of her personal tale of what happened to some of her friendships [...]
September 16th, 2008 at 5:54 pm
I am Judge Florentino V. Floro, Jr., editor-contributor in Wikipedia.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/User:Florentino_floro
I underscore your statement: “I decided to cut myself off from their negativity and crab mentality.”
http://globalnation.inquirer.net/mindfeeds/mindfeeds/view_article.php?article_id=155358
In sports (2008 Olympics, cursed for Filipinos), the Inquirer said: “The Filipino psyche, which gives so much value to modesty and exhibits a crab mentality, conflicts with the champion attitude.” Let me share my experience with this Filipino delicacy, a very delicious trait in Wikipedia, the world’s largest online encyclopedia. With over 5,700 edits-contributions, I have had no problem with more than 100,000 foreign co-equal editors, but I was and still am continuously persecuted by 2 Filipino crab mentality-stalkers. Envy, rage, anger, vendetta, hidden agenda of hatred … Yes, Filipino crab mentality describes a selfish and desperate lust to pull other people down, denigrating them rather than letting them get ahead or pursue their dreams. It is an unwillingness to allow someone to get out of dire or bad life situations, often being foiled by friends and family members who keep sucking them back in. This trait can strike at several levels of life, like in office environments, particularly on promotion. It is a reflection of the famous saying “we all like to see our friends get ahead, but not too far ahead.
http://www.wisegeek.com/what-is-the-crab-mentality.htm
http://afp.google.com/article/ALeqM5jyZWM62BvVJSLuDBtQ4-WwoLtVTg
September 5th, 2008 at 5:30 pm
It’s not real friendship when the other person is not allowing you to be yourself. But thanks to her, you’re a much better person!
September 5th, 2008 at 1:06 am
Hey, great story! Congratulations for finding your voice and listening to it. Goodluck!
September 3rd, 2008 at 8:05 pm
wow, u r such a good writer. ur write up is very substantial & helpful. it’s good that u have made the right choice. people change and you’ve changed for the better.
September 2nd, 2008 at 11:32 am
As the cliche goes, “You cannot please everybody.”
It’s a tough choice but we need to mature. What if there will be a time when there’s no one there to make choices for us? Grow up, be independent..
September 1st, 2008 at 8:20 pm
[...] presents You always have a choice posted at Happy Nest, saying, “This is a story about one of my life-defining moments. Making [...]
September 1st, 2008 at 6:46 pm
Life is just like a chess game that you have to be very sure about your moves because once u made a wrong move you may loss it. same also in making decisions in life you have to be careful, you should always see the positive and negative side before you make a decision.
September 1st, 2008 at 6:22 pm
[...] loved to hang out together, always giggling like school girls with our other friends. Toni presents You always have a choice posted at Happy [...]
September 1st, 2008 at 3:31 pm
I really like your blog. After spending hours in the office, it is so nice to find a blog like yours- a morale booster!
There’s no such thing as a bad choice. It is up for us to adapt to the consequences brought by things we did choose.
September 1st, 2008 at 10:36 am
Yes, but it’s no fun deciding all the time. Timid person that I am inside, sometimes I feel that if I do voice out my thoughts I tend to be strident, so I quash it, not all the time but sometimes. It has helped salvaged some friendships, I think.
But I agree when you said that going back to the passive-whatever mode leaves you feeling cheated. I feel unsatisfied and antsy when I revert. It’s hard to go back.
September 1st, 2008 at 12:42 am
[...] presents You always have a choice posted at Happy Nest. This is a story about one of Toni’s life-defining moments. Making [...]
August 31st, 2008 at 1:43 am
Hi, Toni:
This blog is about making choices. When you learn and internalize your ability to make choices, it becomes instinctual and you react intelligently and instantly during life and death moments. I saved my life a few times because of the instant decisions I made every time. But those times were just a preparation for me when I had to make the biggest decision of my life which happened about 5 years ago. I was diagnosed with two kinds of diseases of the blood and bone marrow that are extremely rare and had no known cure. My doctors wanted me to have a bone marrow transplant. But it was not meant to be a cure but a palliative, perhaps to give me a few more months. A doctor who had been searching for a cure for these diseases said that it is a “death sentence”. What do you do under those circumstances? Most people, even under less trying situations, would just give up and let their doctors do what they think is right. Had I just “shrugged” my shoulders and allow the doctors to do a “suntok sa buwan” treatment, I would have either died or be disabled for life.
But I refused to accept that it was the end for me. The “death sentence” did not come from God. Only God can take my life, not this disease nor an assassin’s bullet (I once survived an assassin who had a 45-cal. handgun on my bleeding forehead and told me to sing the dictator’s hymn before he kills me).
I chose to find my answer, and with God’s Grace I found it. In facing such dangers and problems, I realized that we are never alone nor are we hopelessly helpless. When you make a choice to marshall everything you have got, you find out that you are very much stronger than you thought you are and that God is always ready to help when you reach out to Him. Give it everything you’ve got and, with God’s help, the Universe will conspire to help you.
In two months, I will finish my book which I hope would open people’s eyes to many things they thought are not possible. Take the case of serious illnesses like that of Rudy Fernandez and now Francis Magalona. I want to let people know that there is a much better choice than chemotherapy or radiation. The success rate of this alternative is better than 90% compared to chemo/radiation of less than 5%. But most people either do not know or they do not believe there is such a choice. Doctors will say it is “not scientific and unproven”. But the fact that it saves lives is all that matters. I wrote a blog on the Inquirer.net blogspot offering help to Francis but I do not know if I will merit even a reply as it was when I emailed my offer to Rudy before.
See what happens when you condition yourself to always make choices? If you don’t, and you happen to be thinking negatively, what you don’t like to happen will happen. Someday, as you go through life, you too, may face life and death moments. Do not be afraid of those moments, make your choices, because they could become the best things that could have ever happened to you.
August 28th, 2008 at 11:14 pm
Actually it’s the choices we made that clearly defines who we are…nice write up..will visit this site often.
August 28th, 2008 at 10:38 am
Yes. Be the chess player, not the chess piece.
August 27th, 2008 at 3:27 pm
I completely agree with Rea. It feels like falling into an ocean, which happens to be the crowd, and then you eventually just become a part of it. When your choice is not your own, you fail to establish the core of who you really are. You’re just one of the crowd, nothing more. Some people are just afraid to make their choice because they are aware of the responsiblity entailed with theat decision. Some way or another they will be responsible for the outcome of their choice.
August 27th, 2008 at 12:14 pm
When we stop making choices we lost ourselves in the process. I have just started to find myself after all these years. Thanks for being an inspiration.
August 25th, 2008 at 10:16 pm
Hello,
I stumbled on your blog a few days ago. I really liked the posts I read and will definitely come back for new ones. Take care and keep on writing. Have a good day!
August 25th, 2008 at 7:07 pm
[...] presents You always have a choice posted at Happy Nest, saying, “This is a story about one of my life-defining moments. Making [...]
August 25th, 2008 at 8:18 am
this is a very inspiring read! i sometimes tend to just be passive but then i realized, hey, we’re all free to voice out what we think and feel. it may not always be what others would like to hear but that voice is my own. and guess what? it feels way good!
August 24th, 2008 at 2:56 pm
It reminded of what we’re taught in our Contemporary Philosophy class. People always have a choice, and behind every choice there is a reason.
August 24th, 2008 at 11:01 am
I can definitely relate on this one since i was always the introverted and passive kind of person like you, toni. i believe you just made the right decision! i had a hard time at first to always think on what others will think or say regarding my thoughts or decisions. this helped me with my self -realization! kudos for being brave enough to voice out your thoughts! =P
August 22nd, 2008 at 5:11 pm
Very nice Toni!
Very early on, we have been taught to “Speak up!” It doesn’t really matter if your opinion is the wrong, well at least you had one, and to be “open” to good or right decisions. That way, we learn. Always a pleasure reading your thoughts here.