You always have a choice

I had a friend, let’s call her Tricia. She and I loved to hang out together, always giggling like school girls with our other friends. Her personality was very strong and my quiet nature complemented it. We were two peas in a pod. Well, the more appropriate image would be a little girl and her wagon. Wherever she went, she’d drag me behind her. I was a satisfied follower.

The Life Lesson Begins
One of our many Friday night outs together, she asked me where I wanted to go. Again, I answered, “Up to you.” This time around, she pressed on, “C’mon, you must have something in mind.” I shrugged my shoulders and said, “Whatever you want.” For the first time in our months-old friendship, she became exasperated. “You can’t just always say Whatever and Wherever,” she scolded. “Make a decision. Assert yourself. Do something about it.”

Her reprimand shocked me. It dampened my spirits that evening. I had always thought that my being agreeable was a good quality. I didn’t realize that I was turning into a doormat because of it. I thought back to similar situations and realized that I did usually just go with the flow. But there’s nothing wrong with conforming, I thought. I did get hit with the truth though that whenever my opinion was asked, I’d just go “Whatever you guys want.” It never really bothered me.

But her observation on my passiveness did. I wanted to be assertive. Anyone would’ve said I wasn’t though. Perhaps by hanging out with Tricia, I thought I was assertive by association. Needless to say, that evening changed me.

Making a Choice, Finding my Voice
So I began sharing my thoughts more often. When people would ask for my opinion, I’d resist shrugging my shoulders. I’d think about the question carefully and then speak out. It happened with the little things first — helping the group decide where to eat, choosing a better lipstick color by myself instead of relying on my friends’ opinions. Then it cascaded to bigger things — becoming more confident with decisions at work, standing by my strategic recommendations. I continued to seek the advice of peers and colleagues, but always, always made a choice.

Knowing I always had a choice made me believe in myself more. I recognized in me a strength I knew I had but never fully harnessed. My family, friends and co-workers encouraged me to share my voice more. Some of them were happy I was finally coming out of my shell.

The Complications
But as my voice became more assured, the same group of friends began spouting out negatives at me. It really hurt. They began ignoring me, mostly because I wasn’t their yes-man anymore. It pained me to make a choice about the situation too. I decided to cut myself off from their negativity and crab mentality. I missed their company in the beginning, but realized later on it wasn’t really friendship if they couldn’t support a companion’s growth.

This included Tricia. She celebrated my emotional triumph at first, but later became miffed whenever I’d share my opinions, which surprisingly clashed with hers often. We had to reach compromises now. Gone was the one-way street of before. She got irritated when I shared my plans instead of just listening to hers. I succumbed to my old ways of being a yes-man for awhile, but the dynamic was different now. It felt wrong. I felt I was cheating myself. And it hurt that she wouldn’t listen after she helped me find my voice. We gradually stopped hanging out. She then would just call me whenever she’d need something. Sometimes I was still the wagon, trailing behind her. But more often I stuck to my own course.

I made the choice to cut off the friendship a few years later. It was beginning to get toxic. I was tired of being cut off when I’d share my thoughts, then berated when I wouldn’t. If it were the old me, I would have stayed to save the friendship. But the question nagged in my head again. Is it really friendship if you stifle the other’s growth?

Choices Made
We may have chosen to take different paths a long time ago, but that evening of a reprimand from Tricia is still crystal clear in my mind. I can hear her saying, “You can’t just always say Whatever and Whenever. Make a choice…” I made a choice to listen to her advice. I made a choice to do something about it. I made a choice to stop being the wagon. I made a choice to start making choices. Our friendship may not have lasted, but I did get one of the best life lessons from her. So thanks Trish, wherever you are. Thanks for making me believe in myself more, simply by making a choice.

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