Money and marriage

A reader writes:

I got married six months ago, and am now finding out that my husband and I have different attitudes towards money. Maybe because we come from different backgrounds – I had to work to pay my way through college, while he was fully supported by his parents. Any advice so this won’t come between us? – Laine from San Juan.

Money doesn’t ruin marriages. Attitudes towards money do. People may have general similarities when it comes to handling money, but I bet that 10 couples given P20,000 each and one half day in the mall would have 20 different shopping bags at the end of the day. Those are 20 different attitudes from 20 different people!

Thing is, when it comes to money and marriage, the devil really is in the details. It’s simple to fall in love and get swept off your feet, but after the excitement of the wedding day, the bills come and real life begins.

This INQUIRER.net article entitled “What’s yours and mine and ours” gives some tips to make sure money attitudes don’t come between husband and wife. Here’s a summary. I winced a couple of times when I read it hehe:

1. Talk about what money means to you.
2. Discuss and set your financial goals.
3. Be honest and let each other know how much you earn.
4. Prepare a budget together.
5. Decide on how you will handle bills.
6. Talk about how to handle purchases.
7. Give each other a personal fund.
8. Consult each other before assuming any debt (e.g., car loan, housing loan, etc.).
9. Discuss how savings are to be invested.
10. If there are family obligations to be met, such as parental support, make each other aware of the details.

Suze Orman was once asked, “Do you really believe that people can change their financial attitudes simply by talking about money?”

To me, the best part of her reply was: “Once you start talking honestly about money, you will be able to understand the basis of each other’s attitudes and behavior.”

Here’s a challenge. Once when you and your spouse are feeling secure, ask each other to reveal a money decision he/she has been hiding for a long time. This is definitely a night for adventurous people who are willing to forgive in an instant!

I’ve been sharing with you a lot about my interview with entrepreneur and well-known public speaker Francis Kong. He shared a very good personal example on how this tip could work in marriages. While having a good long talk, he said he and his wife agreed that he was very good in making money but very bad in keeping the money. Francis built the famous high-end Replay jeans brand in the Philippines; he loves clothes and fashion and admitted with good-natured candor that he spent way too much.

On the other hand, his wife was an accountant and worked as an auditor and was very good in keeping money. So when they both had that a-ha moment during a long talk, they immediately decided that he would take care of the business side, and his wife would handle all the money.

At one point during the interview, his wife joined us and it was very amusing to see the couple speak to each other in a sort of verbal shorthand that I did not understand. As we went on with the interview, I observed that Francis’ wife was looking at receipts. That convinced me more than Francis’ words that they actually practiced what he was saying.

No two couples are the same, so a good long talk on money can build a good foundation for financial intimacy that can work for that couple alone. For this approach to work, however, honesty and a huge dose of open-mindedness will go a long way. Courage, too, in facing personal weaknesses. Are you willing to tell your spouse exactly how much you earn? Does your spouse know about all of your bank accounts or investment accounts? Does your spouse know at any given time how much debt is charged to your plastic?

Keep the discussion non-judgmental and always remember that financial intimacy is built through time. When things don’t seem to look so rosy, remember to give yourself and your spouse credit for trying. And as Suzy Orman says: “Place people first, money second.”

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