Worst songs: Tuned out

By Ruel S. De Vera, Associate Editor
Sunday Inquirer Magazine

DAMN Last Song Syndrome (LSS). It is a nefarious condition, often choosing the yuckiest song possible for you to hum all day long. It is particularly effective when you’re taking public transportation, especially when the jeepneys (check out the speeding Montalban ones) feel like discos, playing non-stop remixes of the Carpenters’ greatest hits.

But even in this day and age when heavy rotation usually gets us used to certain songs no matter how horrendous, there remain the ultimate ugly songs, songs so bad they still give us sonic nightmares, gooseflesh and sweating.

Now, there remain many songs that automatically qualify as radio terrors, such as anything by Lito Camo (”Boom-tarat-tarat” has got to be some kind of karmic retribution) or one of these unintelligible disco songs from Asian countries (”Aringkingkingking” and “Dayang Dayang” prove that some things are better off left local). But there are international hits that just cry out for billboard euthanasia. Here are the worst three offenders:

1) “Love Hurts” by Nazareth: Hearing this song always makes me feel like it’s 1978 and the workmen next door are taking a break while listening to the radio. Maybe it’s the fact that the singer sounds like he’s going through a case of hemorrhoids, a case even worse than that of Michael Bolton (who deserves a category all to himself), or maybe it’s the fact that the song has like four words you can understand (”Love hurts love hurts”) and everything else is gibberish, but man this is a horrific song. It’s so bad that nobody has successfully remade it. Some things are beyond the powers of P.Diddy.

2) “The Coconut Nut” by Smoky Mountain: I realize that Smoky Mountain (the first version with Geneva, James, Jeffrey and Tony) is an important group and this song is written by Ryan Cayabyab. But not only is the song silly, its rhythmic progression makes it unforgettable (”The coco fruit/of the coco tree”). Remember the group’s grass-inspired outfits? Ugh. It’s enough to make you swear off this product of the coco palm family.

3) “Big Girls Don’t Cry” by Fergie: First of all, let me clarify that I think the Black Eyed Peas are really good and that Fergie has really good pipes among other good things. But I believe her strength lies in the hip-hop fusion dance element that she does so well (”Pick It Up” is sonic pop corn and even though it’s really slutty, “London Bridge” was really accomplished as a piece of ear cotton candy). But The Dutchess’ anthem to keeping it all in is all wrong. Its acoustic nature saps it of any originality and, oh my, those lyrics are really, really stupid. “I’m gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket?” Seriously? And that video, with the hat and the stool and the contrived intimacy? It makes you feel like you got dumber just by watching it.

For another look at music and the good folk who make them, check out the May 18 issue of the Sunday Inquirer Magazine.