By Pennie Azarcon dela Cruz
Executive Editor, Sunday Inquirer Magazine

I KNOW, I know. It’s like being a wallflower in an orgy or Cinderella moping in the kitchen while everyone else steps out to party.

But if you haven’t yet made reservations for lunch or dinner or a Valentine tryst in that hideaway, I beg you: cease, desist and judiciously hold your peace. Believe me, you don’t want to wind up as a statistic on this red-letter day. Take it from me, I know. I used to be one.

Like millions of other romantic couples, the hubby and I would usually join the throng of lovestruck Pinoys who tenderly make goo-goo eyes at each other in the car, squeezing each other’s hand (and possibly other parts as well) while patiently waiting out the traffic. Your roses might wilt by the time you get to lunch or dinner, that overpriced Valentine entrée might be nothing but a reheated bistek with a complimentary glass of Novellino, and the bed sheets in your favorite hotel/motel might not be freshly-laundered, but one thing remains constant: it will be a bumper to bumper road situation this Saturday (a Valentine weekend and on a payday, hello?)

Love may endure and first love never dies, but after running the gauntlet of Metro Manila traffic and waiting almost another hour for a parking slot, we find the sigh of violins being replaced by a low ominous rumble from our belly. Finally ushered in, we squeeze ourselves into a tiny table crammed on all sides by 10,000 other tables, each with lovers trying to look oblivious to the cacophony of commerce around them. The Valentine special arrives: paella topped with a shiny red but miniscule shrimp, a disjointed red crab’s claw and plenty of red peppers (hey, we’re painting the town red, remember?).

Famished by now, we manage to wolf down a few bites without pausing for the obligatory declaration of endless love. Then it happens: we glance up from our plates for some amorous gesture and find ourselves staring into the hungry eyes of two other couples obviously waiting for our table. We felt like lovers caught in flagrante delicto (or as a friend says gleefully: in flagrante delicious!) We almost choke–especially when we espy our waiter with dessert in tow– crème brulee and coffee– making his way to our table. Gee, you think they’re hurrying us up? We must have qualified for the Guinness’ fastest Valentine dinner that night. Mas matagal pang mag-park!

Oh, and forget about checking in. My friend, the Love Guru (yes, the same one behind flagrante delicious) recalls how Valentine’s is the Christmas day of the motel business. Hardly has their car nosed into the tiny eskinita on its way to biglang-liko when the roomboy would materialize, gesturing frantically that there’s no vacancy. “Like a semaphore guy at the airport when a Concorde’s about to hit,” she says. Four or five semaphore guys later, she and special friend finally find a room and settle in uneasily: “Ateng, mainit-init pa yung kama!” Ewwww!!!

To avoid the crowds, we once checked in after Valentine’s. Ooops, wrong move! This day (and the day after Christmas), we were to learn from Love Guru later, has been consecrated as The Day for Mistresses, Second Girlfriends or Other Women. No wonder I kept getting these leery glances from the receptionist and the room boy. (”For a mistress, she certainly looks frumpy,” the guy must have thought).

So lest I be martyred like poor old St. Valentine’s for spoiling your special day, let me end with a few tips on what NOT to do on this occasion:

1.. Never wear red-unless you’d like every kanto boy, Metro aide, MMDA patrol and konduktor to greet you, “Happy Valentine’s!”
2.. Don’t flaunt your roses, stuffed toy or other tokens of love. You want it to look like to get this kind of tribute everyday, right? And please, bawal mang-inggit!
3.. Don’t send yourself roses with a card signed by “Your Secret Admirer.” The delivery guy just might spoil the effect with his inadvertent honesty, “Ma’am, eto po yung change ninyo.”
4.. Don’t send a barrage of text messages pledging undying love. Hey, us spoilsports still need use our cellphone for the usual dirty jokes brigade, so don’t tie up the networks!
5.. Minimize the PDA, especially in fine dining restaurants. We’re all trying to have a decent meal here, you know.
6.. Keep your eyes on the road and your hands on the wheel when driving. Watch out for the little old lady crossing the road; that might be me.
7.. If you have to use your cell phone for sweet nothings, keep your voice low. We’ve been rolling our eyes heavenward all day we might not be able to properly focus them again.
8.. And finally, don’t hog the sidewalk, the overpass or the skyway with your arms wrapped around each other while strolling leisurely in the Metro. Repeat to yourself: I am not KC and he is not Richard and we’re not on location shoot.

If you’ve read too many Valentine stories thus far, you’d welcome the Sunday Inquirer Magazine’s issue this Sunday. The Out of Body Band on the cover makes beautiful music sans the trappings of Cupid. SIM comes free with your copy of the Philippine Daily Inquirer.