Pennie Azarcon-dela Cruz
Executive Editor, Sunday Inquirer Magazine

YUP, this is one of those times when I’m actually glad I’m ancient and have committed my share of youthful indiscretions way way before video cameras made them easy fodder for the Net.

Not that the Katrina-Hayden video is anything new.  Marcos started it all in the late ‘60s with his croaky “Pamulinawen” caught on a tape recording that his inamoratas, Dovie Beams, so generously shared with an amused nation.  Then there were those betamax tapes—notably Vivian Velez and former Ilocos official Rudy Fariñas– the Dumaguete tapes, and of more recent vintage, the cellphone cameras showing Ethel Booba in flagrante delicious and Mahal in the shower (barf!).

So why all this chest-thumping rage on the one hand, and such furiously titillated downloading from the Net on the other?

Well, I guess people have had enough of the swine flu scare, and the peccadilloes of this male chauvinist swine was a welcome change. Which explains why this dangerous liaison has been hogging the headlines for three days now.  Then there are the conspiracy theories and how Manny Villar had so wanted a distraction from the Senate, uhm…probe of his pork insertions (that image again), that he leaned on good friend Bong Revilla to spill the beans on the Katrina-Hayden video.  What excelling timing, observers note, considering how rumors of the video’s existence have been floating around since December last year.

And of course, admit it, we’re all prurient creatures deep down despite our window-dressed Catholic upbringing, and can’t stop our raging hormones from seeking out the lewd, lecherous, libidinous, lusty and lubricious in our quotidian lives.  Given all that, we’re just waiting for the honorable Justice Secretary to weigh in on the issue with his uniquely out-of-this-planet perspective before we lay it to rest.

In the meantime, what’s the full-blooded Viagra-energized couple to do when the urge to copulate strikes?  Is that a smoke detector on the motel’s ceiling or a hayden camera? How are those sweet young things to know whether their Prince Charming of the moment isn’t really a pervert who’s recording all their thrashings for future gain? What are the new ethics on lovemaking in these times of covert recordings and instant downloading?

A few suggestions:

1. Make sure to conduct all lovemaking under a blanket.  Take care that no heaving chests, throbbing appendages, slick and sweaty limbs and hirsute nether parts are visible to avoid any impression that you’re doing anything other than sleeping on that bed. You don’t want to give the bishops more nightmares than they can handle.

2. To save energy—in all sense of the word—turn off the lights before you so much as unhook a bra or slip into pajamas.  To further frustrate the hayden camera that might have night vision capacity, cover up with a thick blanket as well, never mind if it feels like a sauna.  Think of all the pounds you’re bound to lose the morning after.

3. Invest in masks and complete anonymity and turn foreplay into fun and games.  A bayong like the Makapilis used during the Japanese occupation, or a Ku Klux Clan head cover might be a good idea for your mate, just in case he turns out to be a toad later.  (Hah, let’s see how the DVD pirates are going to title that:  Porky Pig and Minnie Mouse sex scandal?)

4. Be considerate of minors who might later be watching your video.  Before starting anything scandalous, be sure to hold out a notice reading:  “The following scenes contain adult material and may not be suitable for very young viewers.  Parental advice is encouraged.”  Due diligence is always appreciated.

5. Be sure to give credit where it’s due.  Couldn’t Hayden have pentel-penned on Katrina’s perfectly flat tummy the words she was paid to mouth at every instance, i.e. “Body by Belo” ?   He could have made a game of it, right?  We’re sure Vicky would be grateful.  Sayang! What a missed opportunity that was.

6. And finally, if you strongly suspect there’s a hayden camera but can’t locate it, relax, lie down and make sure you look really good.  Check that your make up is flawless and that your undies are billboard-worthy.  The whole world may be watching.