By Pennie Azarcon dela Cruz, Executive Editor
Sunday Inquirer Magazine

THEY’VE always been known as a gracious people, so gracious in fact that the Thais can accurately boast that they’ve never been conquered by any alien nation. Yup, and that’s because they welcome invaders like farang tourists and proceed to tamp down the enemy’s inner Bonaparte with huge servings of tom yum and phad thai.

So imagine my surprise and amusement when the hubby, in preparation for our long overdue family vacation in Bangkok, fed the car’s DVD player with assorted “Speak Thai” tapes, and the translations turned out to be less than gracious. Well hey, they were downright vulgar! Okay, so the tapes were supposed to be Thai expressions, slang and idioms, but just where did the author get the impression we were going to stay in Pat Pong, Bangkok’s red light district? (We didn’t; too many night markets and too little self control).

Still, how do you explain the following Thai phrases in the tapes with such English translations as:

1. Her face looks very common.
2. As stupid as an ass
3. She is single but not a virgin.
4. She is good at faking it.
5. I guarantee you will like it.
6. Money in advance
7. He is a pimp guarding the brothel.
8. I will take the money to cure my mother.
9. The condition inspires it (sexual contact).
10. How do you want me to do it?
11. Can you turn towards me a little bit?
12. I’m having my period.
13. It’s not as difficult as you think.
14. Liar!
15. Good look, bad performance.
16. I have to punish you.
17. You expect too much.
18. He cheated on his wife.
19. They already had sex.
20. There is something in exchange for this.
21. Are you pretending or are you really stupid?
22. Give me all you have!
23. I have been double-crossed.
24. She is three months pregnant.
25. Who is responsible?
26. You have no shame at all.
27. The bad karma is coming back.
28. I want revenge.

And finally, “ He is as big as a water buffalo.”

This gets a rise out of the hubby who is not exactly emaciated. “Aha! That’s one phrase I have to memorize,” he says, vowing to throw his weight around if he ever hears somebody tell him that in Thai. Already, I can imagine the headlines in “24 Oras,” with Mike Enriquez booming out, “Turistang Pinoy, nambugbog sa Bangkok; sampung katao, PA-THAY!”

So did the language lessons help? You betcha. When the hubby and son went off to Northanburi to watch a muay thai match, the homegrown linguist knew enough Thai characters to queue up at the counter with signs charging locals only 220 baht for the show, while farangs were being charged as much as 2000 baht for the same tickets.

Alas for my son, it turns out you have to know body language as well. Feeling parched inside Bangkok’s sweltering coliseum, he waved to signal a passing vendor hawking bottled water. He was immediately dunned 100 baht by a local man nearby. Turns out muay thai matches in Thailand are the equivalent of our cockfights, with hand gestures symbolizing bets. As Mike E would have lamented, “PA-THAI!!”